Through the Black Hole » THE MIDNIGHT MEAT TRAIN – Ryûhei Kitamura

THE MIDNIGHT MEAT TRAIN – Ryûhei Kitamura

Written by Tony Northrup

 

Gang, I’m about to break my # one rule of reviews. For the first time EVER, I am going to SPOIL the film for you. Yes, you heard it here first, this is a SPOILER review. Why, you may ask? To save you time & brain cells from wasting it on this terrible excuse of a horror film. I love horror films, everyone knows that. I’ll take the good, the bad, the classic, & even the cheese, but what I won’t take is a sorry excuse of a film that tries to pass itself off as a horror film & really turns out to be an hour & 40 minutes of wasted life…MINE! Here’s why…

I saw the trailer for this film & it “looked” like it had….potential. Key word: LOOKED. So, I gave in and “rented it” (if I had actually bought this crap I would kick my own butt for it!). The story is about an ambitious photographer, Leon Kauffman(played by Bradley Cooper), who is trying to get his work out there. The gallery owner (Brooke Shields), feels Leon isn’t putting enough “feeling” into his work. So, Leon decides to go for a late night walk in hopes of capturing some of that “feeling” of the city with some of the photos he takes. After saving a young model from gang members, he takes a photo of a tall, strange individual with a black case. This person doesn’t like that his picture was taken, but Leon is drawn to this strange man & follows him everywhere from the train, down the dark city streets, to his hotel, & to the meat packing plant where he works.

Leon becomes almost….obsessed with this stranger. He puts clues together and realizes that this strange person could actually BE the legendary serial killer known as “the Subway Butcher” (played by Vinnie Jones). Leon’s girlfriend (played by Leslie Bibb), is worried & concerned by her boyfriends strange behavior and obsession of finding out more about this killer. The film takes some VERY, VERY strange turns about mid-way. On the night of his photography debut, Leon goes out one more time to catch this killer “red handed” on that late night train. Here’s where everything goes completely crazy; the cop didn’t believe him earlier, yet when the girlfriend goes to the cops, the cop suddenly “knows” that their missing friend is ON the train? Then, while on the train, the girlfriend finds their missing friend, but then Leon goes completely psycho & tries to kill the Butcher in an over-the-top bloodfest of gore, blood, & body parts everywhere. Once they “think” they got rid of the Butcher, it turns out the trains conductor knew all along what was happening & at the end of the line, he tell’s them to “step away from the meat” (bodies hanging from meat hooks). He then begins to go into this “Long time ago, before their was humans..” story and here comes all these crazed cannibal creatures to eat the dead bodies. The Butcher dies and by now eating his dead girlfriends heart, Leon must take over the Butchers part and ride the Meat Train to “serve”.

Bottomline: This film “started” out OK….but then halfway through it goes off the rails and by films end, it goes off the charts! It is a bloody, gory, horrible mess of a film. It has way too many fragments going on, it doesn’t stick to just one or two, but many. I HATED the camera shots, especially when the totally fake CGI blood purposely hit’s the camera every chance it get’s. The pulling of teeth, finger nails, & eyeballs is clearly for the gross out and squeamish purposes. If you love Saw or Hostel, this is your kind of film, but even for those fans of those type of films, THIS film is just plan STUPID! I broke my NO SPOILERS RULE on purpose to save you dear folks the time, effort, and brain cells from wasting your time on this crap. And it is crap! Not a word to be used by critics, but in this case I use it with pride. I beg of you, DON’T waste your time on this film! I expected more from Bradley Cooper whose better films (Wedding Crashers & The Hangover), should be more of his speed and he should stick to comedy. This film is based on a Clive Barker Short story. Do yourself a HUGE favor; DO NOT take this ride!

RANK: 3/10

Directed by Ryûhei Kitamura
With Vinnie Jones, Bradley Cooper, Leslie Bibb, Brooke Shields

Posted in Cinema and Film and Horror and Indie and Medium/Full-length by Tony Northrup on December 8th, 2011 at %I:%M %p.

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