THE STUFF – Larry Cohen

So, I have seen a lot of films in my 39 years, so many that sooner or later you are bound to come across a film that just is the biggest piece of crap, the worst acting, the brainless storyline and horrible F/X. I thought when I saw films such as Halloween 3, Jaws:the Revenge, Jennifer’s Body, Twilight and a few others, that those were the worst.

Well, the film that I have always considered the Worst Film of all time went to Howard the Duck, however, that film has now been de-throwned! My wife & my step-daughter were blown away that I had never seen the ultimate cheesey horror film; The Stuff before. So, thanks to “DVD home delivery service”, I was able to see this mountain of pure 100% cheese of a film. Let me tell you why it’s that bad!

The film is about a couple old guys who stubble across some white, marshmellow “stuff” coming out of the ground at what looks like a gravel pit construction site. The old guy actually tastes it and can’t believe the amazing & wonderful taste of this white gewy treat. First off, why would anyone eat anything bubbling up outta the ground anyway? It doesn’t stop there, let’s continue. The Stuff is a white, marshmellow, yogart, no-calorie treat that Americans just can’t get enough of. It is everywhere! It get’s out of control and almost like an addicting drug that people not just want, but need this treat so bad they’d fight even kill for it. Yet people don’t know just how bad it is for them.

Things begin to get out of control and fans of the treat begin to act very weird once they’ve eaten it. This has others wanting to know what’s really going on and why people are acting the way they are? So, they send in a corporate spy (played horribly and with the most dry tone of voice of any actor I have ever heard, Michael Moriarty), to uncover the dessert’s secret formula. It must be stopped before more victims are taken by… THE STUFF!

Bottomline: Where do I begin! First off, the corperate spy, Michael Moriarty, is so dry, so boring, & such a bad actor that he sounds like he literally is reading his lines. That the lines he does say were written by two drunk screen writers at a bar one late night. The F/X are the worst! You can clearly see that the actors are acting (I say that loosely) against a screen, models, and that the stuff itself is being pumped in my pumps to make it look like it’s chasing them. That the small model scales they used were obvious. Horrible acting, including Saturday Night Live original cast member; Garrett Morris plays a “wanta be” Famous Amos Cookie tycoon.

And here’s the shocker, Paul Sorvino (Mr. Goodfella’s himself), plays an Army General out to stop the Stuff and Danny Aiello (Mr. Moonstruck staring Cher), play’s the head maker of the Stuff. Why!? Why on Earth were these two great actors in this piece of crap? Was it before their careers got started or just for the paycheck? Not only is the F/X bad, but you can clearly hear a few stolen musical notes from the Halloween theme and the other music sounds like something from Grindhouse. I laughed my head off at this film! It wasn’t scary, obviously, and it was a cross between The Blob and Halloween 3, but this film has clearly set a new low standard for bad films everywhere. Even tho it was released in1985, it is very dated and just plain….horrible! Even tho you shouldn’t waste your time on this, it’s so beyond bad, you almost have to see it just to know what the Worst Film of ALL Time looks like! That or if you want a very good laugh!